I don't quite remember....

ೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄ƷೋA good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. ~Lois Wyse ೋƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒೋ

Why is it that some things we remember so vividly and others... we can't quite place our finger on the thought that is hidden under the loads of memories and shoved in the back of your brain... kind of like those sweaters in the back of your closet that you haven't worn in ages, and probably don't even remember that you had until you are moving and then you dig them out only to throw them away.  I can remember the day I met my husband... I was sitting in class, History and Philosphy of Sport, which I had finally arrived on time to (that was a rare occassion) when a man passed me saying, "You finally made it to class before I did, huh?"  He smirked and took his seat.  I was embarrassed but then upset at him for his smart remark.  At the end of class he followed me out to my car, and while sitting on the hood to my car, he introduced himself, we talked, he gave me his number and told me I should call him sometime. He walked with me to my car most days after class... and eventually I called him, and that was the start of our relationship. Although I would say that my husband is one of my best friends... he is still just ONE of them... but what about the others?  Why is it that I can't remember so vividly the moment I met the other of my best friends... the moment that we clicked and knew that we would be friends for life... that we would care just as much about those people as we would our own families?  Why is it that that memory does not stand out so clearly?  When did Sharron and I first declare our friendship? When is it that I first met Patrice?  When did Jessica and I decide that we would be lifelong friends? When did Barb and I develop that connection?  The list goes on... and on... but why can't I remember?  It's not a question that I assume will ever definitively be answered... but I still wonder, why I don't quite remember those moment when those friendships were forged... the moment when these people left indelible impressions on my heart?

Parenting...

Your on a boat... on a journey to a land that is unknown... you are awakened from the peace of sleep...
The peace is shattered by the sound of rain... the tears of heaven the sounds that let you know there is a storm that is begging you to come and look... it is upon you now and there is no time to get ready... no time for preparation... and it is time to go.  You go to face it... it is calmed by your presence... as you step closer to the heart of it... you feel warmth from the rays of sunshine beaming through the sky that was once covered with clouds and rain.  You reach for the embrace to feel the warmth on your skin.  You strip away the night that is left... and pull on the daytime's fresh face... and allow it to suck from your life force to its satisfaction... the day continues... Some moments... the storm returns tumultuous and rocks the boat to the point of frustration... and other times, the storm dances about... causing laughter because of its antics, but it is still a storm and you know that you have to be careful... you know that any moment the storm could swell and toss you from the boat that is holding you so safely... into the water surrounding you and you would feel like you were drowing... waves swell around you... they douse you.. you gasp for air... and each time when you think you it might be your last breath... the storm breaks and rests as if it is recharging its energy to strike again.... unpredictable... the storm rises and falls, and every once in a while looks to you to satisfy its craving... to quench the thirst it has for life... and you give in because you know that it needs you just as much as you need it to continue on your journey.... and then as the sun goes down on the storm... the sun goes down on the swells of the water around you... you feel the boat rock... and rock... and rock... the storm is quiet now... resting... getting ready for the next day... and the silence is peaceful... it provides a peace that you never expected... your body is weak, your mind is exhausted... but you close your eyes and brace yourself... cause it isn't over... tomorrow is a new day, and the storm is not gone... only resting... deciding if tomorrow will be a light storm or a tornado... a hurricane... or sunshine... the days that you cherish the most, full of warm embraces of the rays of sunshine... not clouded by raindrops... but again, it is unpredictable... so you clench your eyes tightly and relax each and every muscle and empty your mind of all thought because nothing can prepare you for the next day except rest... peaceful rest. 

Perspective...can you see clearly through the mud?

"We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudices.  It is noble to rise above them. " ~Author Unknown

Wal-mart.. it should be where all studies take place.  There is such a wide range of people who visit that place at all times of day and night.  I think that it is quite possible it would be the only place on earth where everyone has in common... where everyone has visited at least once.  So... needless to say, as your average middle-American type family, I visit Wally World quite frequently for grocery shopping and sometimes just to waste time that I probably shouldn't but can't help but to give in to the call of the deeply discounted crap that I don't need!

Anyhow... all this to say that I was again at Wal-mart last week when I encountered some very interesting people... as if that is a surprise.  However, this time, I was a little more than shocked at their behavior.  I have found that when going anywhere in public with my ten month old daughter, that I seem to find my way into conversations with random elderly people.  So each time I see anyone over the age of 50 headed my way down the grocery store aisles, I prepare myself to answer... thank you when they say how pretty she is... or to tell them her age when they inevitably ask how old she is.  However, in this particular incident... i wasn't prepared for the conversation I would be subjected to.  I was walking down the back of the store on my way to the pet section from cosmetics to pick up some dog treats... coming from the other direction was an elderly woman.  I was ready for her questions... i was ready to smile and tell her what she wanted to know about the baby and then continue on to get what I needed, but I was shocked when the woman stopped ahead of us, a couple of aisles up and she nearly shouted at me, " I'll be done looking at the fish in a minute!" as she turned to look at the fish in the tanks to her right and pushed her cart to the middle of the aisle we were both standing leaving no room for me to pass on either side.  I stood and waited for a few moments, and after what seemed like forever, I decided to make a sharp left and go around the aisle that I was standing next to instead of waiting for her to be done "looking at the fish".  As I walked away, she grumbled something under her breathe and walked on... suddenly very uninterested in the fish that she was so adamant about needing time to look at just a few moments earlier.  I thought it was a little awkward, but we continued on our shopping trip with no event until when walking down the cereal aisle... I was walking past an elderly gentleman who looked at me with a very disgusted look on his face and grumbled, "I can't believe... " and the rest I could not hear. I could only imagine what words came after that... 

I got home, and told my parents about the story... and of course their reaction was to ask if I was alone... and when I told them that myself and the baby were out shopping while Dallas was working at home, they commented that I should take Dallas with me when I go to the store.  I spoke with Dallas' mother later that evening and she immediately started in my defense saying, "Well people are just stupid sometimes... but it comes in all colors. It's not just white people that act like that.... but don't let it bother you... just smile and keep on going." 

This made me think... you know... each person assumed the same thing that I did from these situations, and jumped to try and help the situation, when in actuality... were we all wrong?  Was the lady just really excited about the fish and scared that I might try to come show them to the baby before she was finished?  Was the older gentleman talking to me or was he just grumbling to himself about the events of his own day? 

I could probably make a case for both... but you know... why should I?  Why should I have to decipher what people mean?  Why did I let it bother me?  Why?  I think it is because although we shouldn't let what other people think about us bother us... it is all too true.  People will have their own perception about you regardless of what you do... so what do you want their perception to be of you?  Do you want them to see a perfect person in looks, personality?  Do you want them to see you for who you are, including your flaws?  Are you willing to be vulnerable?  Are you willing to be judged as people will inevitably do for what you portray to them? I appreciate the quote from Maya Angelou that I use in my everday life.... "When people show you who they are, believe them".    So I will take this situation for what it is worth, but I will believe what people choose to make their perception...and when they want to change that, I will believe that too, after all... I don't have time to try and see clearly through the mud!

The Phoenix Phase

I was at a social for my husbands department at work this past weekend, and while talking to a colleague of his, I heard the phrase "the Phoenix phase".... and it was like a light went off in my head... and gave me a description for a time in our lives where I truly felt like everything was on fire.

2008 was a rough year for me in many ways... it started on Christmas Eve 2007 when I received a phone call from my Uncle John asking me to help him find my mother because my other uncle, James had been found and was in the hospital in a coma. I was away visiting my husband's family for the holiday in Kansas... so other than calling everywhere I thought my mother might be, I couldn't help much, but together, we foudn her.  When I returned to Texas, I went to visit the hospital, and my uncle was still in a coma and with no hope of coming out of it because he had AIDS.  He had been HIV positive for many years, but it seems that in the recent months he had not taken care of himself as well as he needed and it had transformed into that four-letter word that makes most people cringe.  He stayed in the hospital for the remainder of the year... and all we could do was pray.

My mother had broken the news to her grandmother, my abuelita... she was suffering from colon cancer, but you would never know it.  She remained active... shopping, cooking, and keeping herself busy.  She was always the type of person who appreciated personal contact with others...and instead of sending a check in the mail, or paying her bills over the phone, she wanted to see, face to face, that the person she was giving her money to was the person who was providing her service.  So all of her bills were paid during regular business hours, monday through friday, as she drove to each and every utility company to make sure that they received her funds.  She also prayed everyday as she was a devout catholic woman... it may just be a story, but we feel like she took the same approach when praying about James.  She didn't feel as if her prayers were reaching God as she just sent them up when praying to the Virgin Mary each evening, and in January, she died in her sleep, while holding a photo of James.  She had gone to meet her maker and make her  request for his life to be saved. 

James followed her in death in February.  It was a rough time for the family... James was the second youngest of 9 children.  No one expects one of the youngest to die such a painful and slow death as he had suffered.  It was hard for everyone to cope with.  That summer, my Uncle Rick who was living in my abuelita's house before she passed moved in with my parents as his health was also failing... he too had AIDS.   After visiting a doctor in Dallas they found that he too, had cancer as well.  HE spent many weeks in the hospital with treatments, and my mom, Aunt Irene (from Chicago) and myself would visit him quite frequently to keep his spirits up.  He was such a friendly guy... and made friends even while in the hospital with all of the staff and a couple of the other patients on his floor.  Everytime they would send him home, he would stay for a week or two, and then some other complication would drive him back to the hospital, but he was fighting. 

In October, my grandfather, and the father of 9 children, died as well.  It was a long time coming, and he didn't suffer long, but he had suffered from cirrohsis of the liver and emphasema for many years.  He passed and put all of the suffering to rest.  We made it through the remainder of the holidays before we also lost Uncle Rick.  My mother jokingly says that God has to take our family in large groups because there are so many of us... if he took his time and took us one at a time and waited for us to finish grieving for each, we would just about live forever!

It was a tough year for all of us to get through, but as a family, we made it... and 2009 started brand new for us all.  During this rough time... Dallas and I had been trying to start our own family, and had been working at it actively for about 2 and a half years.  I was having trouble ovulating which seemed to be a common enough problem and one with some very simple fixes, but to not be able to do naturally what it seems that we as women were born to do was tough to cope with mentally.  We discussed further treatments with the doctor's and tried a couple of times with no sucess... and finally on March 11, 2009, I had a positive pregnancy test!  I was so excited... life was turning around... what I wanted the most was finally happening.  Later that month,  Dallas and I made the decision for him to accept a teaching position in Pennsylvania which meant that we would have to move in the summer.  Through the excitement of being pregnant and the nervousness of everyday and hoping that nothing would go wrong, we were packing up our lives to start brand new in a new place with new people. 

I was worried the most about what this place not only held for me and my husband, but what was in store for this baby that was going to be born to brand new parents and with no family or friends for support.  We were blessed that Dallas had a great group of colleagues who took personal interest in filling that void for family and friends for us.  As hard as it is to find a substitute for the family and friends that you have known for a long time, they were such a blessing during such a painful time. 

We tousled over many names for the baby for a while... and nothing seemed quite right.  Dallas recommended that we just name her after him... he liked the fact that he was named after a city and wanted the same for her.  I found the name Phoenix... not only did it meet the criteria for being the name of a city... but it was also a mythical creature that was a symbol of strength and rebirth.  A Phoenix is a very colorful bird that has a very long life cycle... and at the end of that cycle, it builds a nest of twigs and ignites it on fire and they both burn to ashes, and from those ashes arises a new Phoenix... a new life to start again. 

Could there have been a more perfect name to give our daughter.  After all of the turmoil in our lives the previous years... the beginning of our new life in a new place with new people... we were starting our "Phoenix Phase".  We were rising from the ashes and becoming something new... a family... that before, never existed!

I chose happiness....a new/old post

I originally posted this on Myspace in March of 2008... but that realization meant so much to me... I had to post it again:

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But here was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that this was my life. This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way

**Alfred D Souza

For those who know me, I have always been the type of person to see the "silver lining", the "light at the end of the tunnel", and "the glass half full" instead of half empty.  Recent events in my life seem to have sucked every ounce of my positive disposition from my being.  I have never felt so out of control and negative in my entire life, as I have recently.  Today, I was browsing through the MySpace pages of random friends and acquaintances when I came across this quote.  It was like a breath of fresh air to read someone’s interpretation of life, and to feel like they tapped into my brain to tell me what I have been needing to hear.  When you are caught up in the moment, it is hard to understand the most simple fact of it all, that it is all just a part of life.  We cannot change or alter it in any way except by choosing how we feel about it.  We have two choices in life,and that is be happy, or not.  Death is a part of life, and decisions, whether bad or good are a part of life too.  We just have to have an understanding that no matter what happens, it is our choice to be happy or sad.  Life’s journey takes us many places and through many situations outside of our control, and I now have a clearer understanding of what that means to me. 

Although it isn’t completely clear, I can see the faint beginning of my "silver lining", I can see a small glimmer of "the light at the end of the tunnel", and my glass is starting to look "half full" again. 

Putting all your eggs in one basket...

So... we've all heard the saying, "don't put all your eggs in one basket", but to what does that refer to?  Does that refer to everything?  I think in particular that we should make sure that we apply that theory to relationships as well.  I'm not saying to go be polyamorous, or go marry a million wives/husbands, or that you can't have one true love, or a best friend... but why do you we only have to have one?  Why only one BEST friend?  Why is there only ONE person that we share our secrets with?  My grandfather has always said, "You have to BE a friend to HAVE a friend."  You know... he was right!

The fact that we put all of our "friendship eggs" in one basket is not really living life to the fullest.  What happens when we stop being friends with that person... because being human, we all make mistakes, and true enough, as hard as we try, we often hurt those closest to us without ever trying to.  Or what happens when that one person that we have put all of our trust into moves away, and we no longer have them near for those random moments when we need to go for a drink and we need them to be upset with us about whatever has upset us for the day.  What do we do when the unthinkable happens and that one person dies?  Are we left friendless?  Do we have to start over and build that much needed trust again with a whole new person?  Do we still have that ability?  What if that person was someone that we have known for 10 years?  Will it be another 10 years before we have someone with that ability to be our "Everything"? 

"Don't put your eggs in one basket," and "You have to be a friend to have a friend" means that you don't just have one person... you SHOULDN'T just have one person.  BE a friend to everyone you meet... be that one that they can go to... you will be happy with yourself for being that person that people can confide in, and when you need someone, you don't have to feel guilty about bothering them with your emotions and problems... you have BEEN a friend, and you deserve a friend when you need one as well.  It isn't selfish... it isn't even survival of the fittest.  I have heard some people say... "I have been burned by "friends" in the past... and I only trust         (insert name)              " .  Can you really "burned" by friends if you are living a life of integrity... being a good friend to all that you can be a good friend to, and allowing them to be a good friend to you?  If you take an honest look at yourself, I think that we will all see that in the instances that we feel that we have been "burned" by friends... it wasn't them "burning" us... but it was us not investing ourselves wisely in the relationships that we have chosen to cultivate. 

Eggs... Basket... Friends... Love... it should all be plentiful... no holding back.  That is really the only way to be able to feel that you are not alone... you will never be alone!

Mistakes, we all make them... but can we make them all?

Most recently, I have been hearing about all of the problems that my friends have been having... at work, in their marriages, in their social lives... everywhere.  I listen, I offer my two cents, and hope for the best.  I was a little put off when one of my friends was venting to me about her recent marriage issues, and I wasn't sure what to offer as friendly advice other than a listening ear, when she told me that she didn't want advice from anyone who hadn't been in that situation before... or whose situation ended differently than she wants hers to, because they wouldn't understand. I wasn't sure whether or not to be offended so I just chalked it up to the emotions that were still running hot from her situation... but it did make me think about what I would do or want if I was in the same situation, if my marriage was on the rocks and had a possibilty of coming to an end.  It was at that moment that I heard my grandfather's voice in my head...as clear as if he was standing right next to me, "Marisa, remember... you have to learn from the mistakes of others, cause you don't live long enough to make them all yourself."  My grandfather is the wisest man that I know... and it is quite often that I remember the tidbits of wisdom that he has shared with me over the years, and I am always amazed how even now, he still has the right words for the right situations, and continues to share uniques and valuable words of wisdom about life with me at every visit or phone call. 

When thinking about my grandfather's words... it made perfect sense to me about what I would want in her situation.  Its obvious that no one else would know how it felt to be me... but I would not be the first to be in a bad situation... nothing that I am experiencing is new to the world... and someone else has been there in one way or another.  I would lean on those who mean the most to me... I would find someone who has been in that situation and succeeded and ask them how they overcame, I would ask someone who has been in that situation and not had the positive outcome that I was hoping for and ask them what they wished they had done differently either leading up to the situation or in the end.  I would find someone to help me see me... someone who I felt really sees me and would be honest regardless of what it might do to my feelings at the moment.  I would want someone to be objective and give me a view from the "outside looking in" about what I may not be seeing about myself.  I would also seek someone to be supportive to keep me on track... to hold me accountable and to help me to be strong because EVERYONE needs someone to hold their hand when they are weak... and to keep pushing them no matter how difficult to continue on. 

I am making a vow to myself... that no matter what the situation... no matter how I think that it may make me look... I WILL learn from the mistakes of others, I will not force myself to endure the painful situation alone because I want to enjoy the life that I have... because I WILL NOT live long enough to make all the mistakes myself and quite frankly, why try?